Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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