I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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