I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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