i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Randomize
