Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
wow bdsm is so cute
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
