I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
