so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
