So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
