Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
