I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
