soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize