apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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