Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
