What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
