my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize