Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
