If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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