Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
