Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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