I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
