Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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