I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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