He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
