someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
