dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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