Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
