So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize