I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
