so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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