so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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