dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
