The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
