chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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