You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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