In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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