and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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