Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
