I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I checked into jail on foursquare
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
