Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
