Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
