Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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