I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
