Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
smell my finger.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
