My hair reeks of homosexuality.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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