Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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