Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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