fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
two words...techno handjob
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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