its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
