i just had sex bonerless
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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