Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
