I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
