drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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