I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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