someone threw a dead crab at me
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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