You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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