This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
