DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
