if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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