Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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