Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
