I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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