did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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