Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
