alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
