i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
