I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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