She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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