Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
