i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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