Michael Bay diarrhea
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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